On new beginnings

This New Year has come to me as a slow breeze, gently tugging at me, waking me, refreshing me. Lost to me this New Year's Eve was that desperate frenzied need to make the moment significant. Gone, gone the pressure to resolve to make my life better this year in this moment or all is lost.

I think I feel this way in part because I have already lost. Lost more than I expected to loose. More than I thought I was ready for. Honestly, my New Year began in September. Loosing Mom woke me up, tore me down, and gave the opportunity to choose. Where will I go from this moment? What path will I follow? Will I follow the anger, let that discontent push me further away from those I love, the things I really should treasure?

And Lord knows, it's not easy to choose. I have been tempted to lie in wait and not pick a path at all. But now, even typing that causes me anxiety because that is no longer me. Life is too precious to stand idly by. I have done too much of that already.

In so many ways I feel like a toddler seeing other people walk through their lives and imitating the actions. I am feeling some muscles start to be used that have atrophied, realizing that it's going to take some work to get to a more healthy and whole place. But you know what, I feel a calm energy pushing me to try.

And I am so grateful. It has become clearer how abundantly blessed I am. I find it brings me peace to acknowledge it daily. Because I am, I AM blessed. I know that God is there just as much as I know that Mom is still there. I know that he loves me. He loves you too. Do you feel that knowledge ache like I sometimes do?

So, as a moment that we collectively celebrate, the passing of the old into beginning of the new, I quietly add my gratefulness for endings and new beginnings. To not sitting idly by. To doing whatever it takes to move you, lift you, surround you with peace and love. And could I just recommend a small start? Say a prayer, let listing your blessings refresh you, laying your burdens at His feet release you and finding your way free you.

And if you need a friend, I pray He will help me to find you, because I need them too.

I love you,

Z

P.s. Happy Birthday Mom. You know this, but you are on my thankful list every day. And I am wearing the slippers I bought for you to celebrate.